My first, your last
by Elliac
Summary: Kanda's reflections on Allen's death. Maybe he'll find out something in the process, both about him and the boy. Yullen. Warning: boyxboy, character death -Hiatus-
1. His death

Disclaimer : I don't own -man. Never did, never will.

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**My first, your last**

Kanda was pulled into the medical room by Lenalee and Lavi. What the hell was so urgent that they practically had to run while pulling him? And either way, he wouldn't be interested in it anyway...

Kanda's eyes came upon the boy lying on the bed in front of him. His skin was too pale to be normal, and his breathing was coming in ragged breaths. His eyes had lost the gleam they once had and he wasn't smiling. Kanda could tell from the signs that the boy was dying.

Kanda heard footsteps and saw Lenalee and Lavi walking out of the now silent room, except for the machines that the young boy was hooked up to, and the boy himself.

The white hair of the boy was now covering half of his eyes and Kanda, seeing him in such a state, brushed them away gently. Once he had finished that motion, Kanda's hand retracted immediately.

This was not like him at all. Why was he helping the once irritating boy? Allen Walker wasn't someone he had ever liked, he was just too distracting.

Allen looked at Kanda and reached out slowly for him. Kanda allowed the other boy to caress his face, though he didn't like it one bit.

"Come closer," Allen breathed out. Kanda hesitated. He wasn't used to being close to anyone. And what the hell did Allen want from him, on his death bed?

Disregarding his logic, Kanda moved a little closer and saw Allen smile. Kanda never knew how Allen could always continue smiling, even on the brink of death.

Allen's hand never left his face, as the younger exorcist tried to sit up. Allen had difficulty, but finally managed to sit up.

Immediately, as soon as Kanda's face was within his reach, he moved closer and kissed Kanda, no doubt surprising the other male.

Kanda's eyes opened wide as he felt a pair of lips on his own. The next moment, Allen broke the kiss and dropped back into the bed, his grasp on Kanda' face weakening.

The boy's time was near. "I promise," Allen whispered, his soft voice echoing in the silent room. "next time..." The boy closed his eyes still smiling, then, his breath extinguished.

The boy's hand fell back on the bed, limp, a smile gracing his child-like features.

"Che," Kanda cursed, looking away from the lifeless body. After a few moments of further silence, Kanda dusted his uniform and walked out of the room, his mind blank.

Once outside, he saw Lenalee burst out in tears, with Lavi by her side. As his usual cold-self, Kanda walked past her and back to his room. He had better things to do, like thinking of what had happened in the room.

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Kanda walked into the room. It was silent, the atmosphere full of solemnity. A funeral was being held. The funeral of a young boy, who Kanda had said to despised and hated - Allen Walker.

It came as a large shock to those in the Order, for the Destroyer of Time to meet his demise.

The air was dark and dry that day, the tense atmosphere hung in the air. The hall was filled with sobs from almost everyone present.

Lenalee was slumped on the floor crying, with Komui trying to comfort her. While Lavi, well, as usual he would be standing somewhere looking over the whole event, as just an onlooker.

But Kanda knew of Lavi's feelings. He looked to his right, and saw Lavi sitting with Bookman. His fringe was now covering his good eye, and Kanda could tell he'd been crying.

Kanda was as normal as he could be, just the cold unmoving samurai. The boy wasn't a friend, for Kanda had no friends.

After all, they were just soldiers in a war, who could be killed at any point of time. Of course, now that Allen had been killed, most of the Black Order had given up hope on ever winning this war.

'Fools', were the only thing that Kanda could call them. He never believed that there was ever hope for them, and the Order had done just fine before Allen's arrival, 5 years ago.

Standing up, Kanda followed behind Tiedoll and Noise Marie toward the center of the large hall. They moved silently towards the white casket, its color as pure as snow, and as pure as the boy himself.

Kanda was holding a white lily, as was everyone else. He walked up to the casket and silently placed it beside the boy.

There were at least 50 other flowers surrounding Allen's body. Kanda's eyes moved up to look at Allen's face, peaceful and gentle.

He felt something stir, something he'd felt before, a long time ago. It was sadness, depression and obsession mixed with a feeling he didn't know. And it made him long for the boy in front of him to be still alive and kicking.

Ignoring the feeling, Kanda moved off with Tiedoll, pushing everything to the back of his mind, for now. The samurai moved back to his seat and listened as the funeral progressed.

After the funeral, Kanda watched as the casket was carried off to be burned.

A deafening silence now entered the hall as everyone mourned silently for the boy. Well, except Kanda. 'And maybe Bookman,' Kanda thought.

The casket was carried out of the hall, and the procession was over. Komui announced for everyone to return to their work. It was normal, since deaths were common in their line of work. But Kanda could see the reluctance in the faces of the finders and even some of the exorcists. It was difficult to accept the boy's death though, seeing as how popular he had been. With a heart of steel to the reactions of the others, Kanda got up and headed towards the training room, earning a few glares as he walked out of the hall.

There was one, and only one thought in his mind right now. And he couldn't rid himself of it, no matter how hard he tried.

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A/N : This is my first fanfic. Sorry for all the OOC-ness. Please R&R, so that I can do better.

Part 2 coming soon…


	2. His presence

Disclaimer : I don't own -man. Never did, never will.

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**His Presence**

The days after Allen's funeral saw the Black Order in depression. The corridors were silent, void of the usual chatter which Kanda hated, but still full of people.

Most finders couldn't get over Allen's death, though truthfully, his death was suspicious. He knew that death couldn't have been caused by the measly injuries he had gotten from the mission. After all, he was one of those who had seen Allen walking towards Komui's office. Come to think of it, Kanda always met the boy not long after either one came back from a mission.

Kanda hadn't seen Lenalee at all since the funeral, though most probably could guess what she was doing. The samurai wondered when Allen's death would die down, and the Black Order would return to its normal atmosphere.

Of course, Kanda did like the whole sad and depressed mood everyone was in, but he couldn't understand why he was getting glares from some of them.

Usually they would avoid him and would rarely even look at him, but ever so often, he would catch a few random people glaring at him, as though he was a criminal.

So, to escape the stares, Kanda requested a mission from Komui. It wasn't odd for him to do this, thus he was fairly sure the Komui wouldn't sense anything wrong.

"What! What do you mean you don't have any missions!? There's still Innocence out there to find!" Kanda growled, Mugen already out of the scabbard.

"Sorry Kanda, but none of the finders are willing to work, Allen's death came as a big shock. The evidence is right outside."

"Then fucking make them do it! You're the supervisor, or do you need me to remind you who you are!" Komui was now staring at the blade at his neck, his hands up in surrender.

"Ok, relax Kanda. But I can't give you a mission, yet. Give everyone a few more days, okay? And please remove your katana from my neck."

"Tch." Kanda walked out Komui's office, slamming the door behind him. He knew it was useless to continue arguing with the head supervisor. The guy wouldn't do anything about it anyways.

His face in his normal scowl, Kanda stormed into the cafeteria. It was practically silent, except for one or two soft conversations. Well, this was just one of the many things that had changed.

Suddenly, all eyes were on him. Some stared at him with hatred, others with envy. Kanda sure wasn't used to the attention, but he ignored and glared back.

As usual, this caused the others to continue with their own things. Kanda released the breath that he was holding unconsciously. Walking over to Jeryy, he ordered his usual soba.

"You bastard better come out or I'll fucking find you and kill you!"

Jeryy slid up from under the counter. His eyes were extremely red and there were tear stains on his face. But through all this, Kanda could see that Jeryy was glaring at him.

"Allen-kun! Allen-kun…" Jeryy cried out sadly.

"Shut up! And get me some soba!"

"As if I'd do it for you! "

Kanda heard him say something along the lines of "You ingrate, you fool…" Jeryy ignored Kanda and move silently to the back of the kitchen. A confused and fuming mad Kanda was left standing at the counter.

While deciding on whether to kill Jeryy - Kanda usually could decide on the spot, but we all know he isn't quite himself - the depressed chef slid a plate of "soba" towards Kanda.

Kanda stared disgustingly at the plate on the counter; the white glob of noodles couldn't even be called soba. But since he had no other option, he just had to bear with it, or at least until the Black Order got over the kid's death.

Cursing under his breath about how Allen's death was so troublesome to cope with, Kanda found a seat somewhere in the cafeteria.

Minutes later, a baka-usagi was sitting beside him, Kanda looked at Lavi's arms - or his red marks to be exact, before totally ignoring the other. He could more or less guess why Lavi had them there. The baka-usagi was most likely to have angered Bookman by going all soft about the moyashi's death.

Kanda smirked, this was Lavi's own undoing, and he liked to see others being tortured anyways. Lavi ate silently, unlike usually, when he would never stop talking. But now, Kanda could hear what the others were discussing, and he hated it.

After ten minutes of sitting stationary at the table, for Kanda was never going to eat "soba" that Jeryy had prepared, Kanda couldn't stand anymore of the hushed conversations about Allen Walker.

"I've lost my appetite just from hearing about Allen Walker," he muttered just loud enough for the finder behind him to hear.

"What did you say!" the burly finder stood up, towering behind him.

"I said that I hate hearing about Allen Walker," Kanda said calmly, standing up in the process.

"Is… is that something you'd say about Allen? Do you even know that he lo…" The finder's speech was cut off suddenly when Kanda's hand strangled the other. The finder struggled under Kanda's grasp, trying to suck air through his constricted throat.

"Is that Moyashi so important? It's only a death this time, and the whole Black Order ceased to function. What happened to all the other funerals we had, and barely anyone remembered them the next day. So what if he's the Destroyer of Time! There are still Exorcists and Innocence around." The rest were all quiet as Kanda strangled the finder.

Everyone was motionless, but the glares they gave Kanda were full of murderous intent. It was something under the surface, a secret that kept them silent.

Suddenly, Kanda was hit with a memory, a memory of a meeting in the cafeteria, where he also strangled a finder, but for a different cause. It was a long time ago, a very long time ago, when Allen had just joined the Black Order.

------------Flashback-------------

"Is that something you'd say about your friends that died in the line of duty?! Even though we finders support you exorcists with our lives, you say… you say it makes your food turn bad?!" the finder tried to punch Kanda, but with his quick reflexes, Kanda dodged easily before strangling the finder.

"You support us?! Oh really?! Isn't it more like all you can do is support us? You all couldn't even become Exorcists. You guys are the failure that weren't chosen by the Innocence. There're a million more finders from where you came from. If you don't want to die, then get out of here!" Kanda's grip tightened just as the other finders released their rage and came rushing at him.

It was at this point of time, when the moyashi butt in, grabbing his hand, saying "Stop!"

Kanda growled silently, the first impression of Allen was that he was irritating, seeing that the moyashi liked to go against everything Kanda did or say.

"Sorry for butting into your business, but I don't think that's the best way to say things." Kanda thought that Allen sounded like an old man.

"Let go of me, moyashi." Kanda retaliated.

"Moyashi? My name's Allen."

"I'll remember you if you don't die within a month, since there are people who just come here and die. Just like this guy." Kanda's hand tightened against the finder's throat, squeezing his already constricted throat even further.

At this point, Allen gripped Kanda's hand even harder, causing him to release the finder. Kanda was surprised by Allen's strength and bravery, though he didn't show it. No one had ever gone against him, since he was always so cold and uncaring.

"Like I said, that's not the best way to say things." Kanda's thoughts were interrupted by Allen.

"Cursed people are best off not touching me." Kanda moved his hand away from Allen's, before continuing. "You have a death wish. I hate your type."

"I'll take that as a compliment."

Now, this sentence had changed his first impression of the young boy. Kanda could see that Allen, despite his short stature, was a strong one. The moyashi wouldn't go down easily, both mentally and physically, that was for sure.

The two stared at each other for a few moments, before Reever called them to Komui's office.

--------------End flash back--------------

It was funny, how he remembered the whole event in full detail. Kanda wasn't one to remember such trivial things, especially stuff related to the moyashi.

While in thought, Kanda's arm involuntarily let go of the finder, and the other slumped to the ground. The samurai blinked back to reality and walked out of the cafeteria silently, a clouded look in his eyes, while everyone else just stared. It was unlike Kanda to act like that, since he was the cold and uncaring Exorcist. After all traces of Kanda were gone from the cafeteria, Lavi helped the finder up and whispered into the other's ear. The finder nodded after some consideration, though there was a frown on his face, before they continued with their normal routine.

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A/N : Once again, please R&R and make my day.

Part 3 coming soon, I guess…


	3. His warmth

Disclaimer : I don't own -man. Never did, never will.

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**His Warmth**

I found myself in my room, after I had stormed out of the cafeteria. Sighing, my eyes wandered distractedly, coming to rest on a flower. One would say that it was beautiful, ordinary people did. But on the other hand, Allen was different. Allen. That time When I I caught him in my room that day, he had said that the flower was forlorn.

Wait. I groaned as I sat down on my bed. Why were all my thoughts of that moyashi? He was insignificant, redundant, unworthy of my attention. To be honest, I had been thinking of him for the past few days . How could I not? Who wouldn't be influenced to think about him when the order's situation is caused by him?

'Argh! What the fuck is wrong with me!'

I shook my head vigorously. Many things had been going on in the order, and most of them seem to be kept a secret, from me. I sighed. This was getting more confusing by the minute.

I decided to lie down, hoping it would help clear my mind. As I stared at the ceiling, all my nerves seemed to be lit on fire becoming awfully sensitive. I could feel the soft, fluffiness of the bed, the clean sheets, the musty smell of the feathers under the pillow. It reminded me of the time I had to share a bed with the moyashi. He was badly wounded and the finder with us had been killed in battle. Since he was unable to care for himself, I ended up nursing him back to health for a week until he recovered. A fond smile graced my face as memories resurfaced. In truth, I had never really hated Allen, only harboring opposite feelings for him, though I was never one to show them. Ok, so I had to admit, I have had feelings for Allen before. But, they weren't feelings of love or anything similar. They were just feelings of friendship, a very deep friendship, in my terms. It wasn't like I got all flustered when he was near him, I just felt protective of the younger boy. At first, my heart would beat rapidly when I thought of the boy and blood would rush to my face when I talked to him. Of course, it mostly died down after I learnt to control my thoughts and reactions. And that wasn't a sign of love, right?

As I thought things out, I felt a wave of sleep crash over me, the darkness engulfing all my senses, plunging me into the recesses of my mind.

"Kanda! Kanda help!" Allen's voice rang in the vast blackness.

The darkness slowly dissolved into a street, everything looking so familiar to me. I was in my fighting stance, a hoard of Akuma in front of me.

"Never knew you couldn't even take down a few measly Akuma, moyashi!" Kanda shouted back through all the noise. He sliced through a few Akuma, turning back to see Allen falling to his knees, his torso covered in blood, flowing rapidly into a puddle around him. Kanda cursed, taking down the Akuma in front of him before running to Allen's side. Slinging the frail boy over his back, he carried him to the nearest clinic.

A few hours later, a worried Kanda was questioning the doctor about Allen's condition. "We stopped the blood loss, but he must rest for at least a week and recover from his cold."

"Cold?" Kanda asked in confusion. He didn't know Allen was sick.

"Yes, he had developed a cold." The doctor answered calmly, though it was obvious he was surprised that Kanda didn't know.

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Kanda blinked open his eyes. Focusing on the walls of the inn, he quickly turned his head to the mop of white hair on the bed next to him.

"Ngh… Kanda…" Allen slowly tried to sit up.

"Go back to sleep, moyashi." Kanda growled. "You should be resting."

"Where are we?"

"An inn. It's the middle of the night, so just sleep and stop disturbing my sleep."

"But there's no bed, where're you sleeping?"

"This was the only room they had free."

"Why don't you share this bed with me?"

"No, I'm fine sleeping right here."

"But I'm cold. So please…" Allen partially begged.

"Che, fine." Kanda slid into the bed and his hand brushed across Allen's arm.

"You're so cold. You'll fall sick like that."

"You're already sick, so just get some rest."

"Ba-Kanda"

"Moyashi."

For once, Allen smiled a true smile as he turned away and fell asleep again, his dreams filled of nothing but the one beside him.

On the other side of the bed, a flustered Kanda tried his best to stop his heart from pounding at an alarming speed.

'What's wrong with me! This is all the moyashi's fault.'

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Kanda felt movement of the mattress beneath him and he roused from his sleep. Turning around to take a look at Allen's condition, his eyes opened just a fraction of a millimeter when he saw Allen sitting up and staring out the window.

"Why the hell are you up?" Kanda complained. He wanted to get back to head quarters as soon as possible, since they'd already found the Innocence. And the more Allen rested, the sooner that could happen.

Allen smiled, his eyes motionless and unblinking. "Snow," was his only reply. Kanda could see tears welling up in Allen's eyes, threatening to spill at any moment.

"Don't be a cry baby, moyashi."

Allen blinked twice, fighting back the tears, before getting off the bed and picking up his jacket on the chair at the other side of the room. He was heartbroken, but he smiled a bitter smile. 'I guess this is what I get for loving a heartless person.' Allen stifled a cold laugh.

"Where're you going? You're sick." Kanda got out of bed, walking towards Allen who was almost at the door.

"Nowhere, just out." Kanda gripped Allen's hand, but the younger boy flicked it off and walked out the door.

A knock on the door jolted me out of my sleep. Getting up groggily, I slammed the door open only to be greeted by Lenalee.

"What do you want?" I grumbled, blatantly irritated for being woken up so suddenly.

"Nii-san is looking for you." She said with her usual smile, but her eyes were tinted red, a sign of crying.

"Che," I cursed and walked pass Lenalee, heading towards Komui's office.

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A/N : Sorry for the change in writing styles and late update. Please continue to review.


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